Brighter Shades of Light Read online

  Brighter Shades of Light

  Jaclyn Osborn

  Brighter Shades of Light

  This is a work of fiction. All characters and events portrayed in this novel are fictitious and are products of the author’s imagination and any resemblance to actual events, or locales or persons, living or dead are entirely coincidental.

  Text Copyright ©2019

  All rights reserved

  Published by Jaclyn Osborn

  Cover by Sleepy Fox Studio

  Edited by Aly Hayden

  No part of this book may be reproduced or transmitted in any form or by any means without the publisher/author’s written consent.

  Table of Contents

  Part One

  Chapter 1

  Chapter 2

  Chapter 3

  Chapter 4

  Chapter 5

  Chapter 6

  Chapter 7

  Chapter 8

  Chapter 9

  Chapter 10

  Chapter 11

  Chapter 12

  Chapter 13

  Chapter 14

  Chapter 15

  Chapter 16

  Chapter 17

  Chapter 18

  Chapter 19

  Chapter 20

  Chapter 21

  Part Two

  Chapter 22

  Chapter 23

  Chapter 24

  Chapter 25

  Chapter 26

  Chapter 27

  Chapter 28

  Chapter 29

  Epilogue

  Special Thanks

  Other Works by Jaclyn Osborn

  Part One

  Falling

  “You can’t blame gravity for falling in love.”

  -Albert Einstein

  Chapter 1

  Sebastian

  The day my wife announced she wanted a divorce came with a bout of disappointment. But mostly, I felt nothing.

  “Aren’t you going to say something, Sebastian?” Emily stared up at me with angry brown eyes. “I just told you I want a divorce and all you can do is stare at me. Christ, say something!”

  I stood, poised and emotionless, and allowed her to beat against my chest before she slumped against me. Tears wet my shirt.

  “What would you like me to say?”

  When she looked back up, her mascara was smeared beneath her eyes, and her bottom lip quivered. “That you don’t want me to go. That we can work it out.” She took a handful of my shirt with both hands. More tears. “Tell me I’m making a mistake.”

  My brow pulled together. “You want me to lie to you?”

  “Jesus fucking Christ, Sebastian.” Emily released my shirt and stepped backward, shaking her head. “You’re unbelievable.”

  Admittedly, it did hurt to see her in so much pain. Our marriage had been in a rut for years, if I were being honest with myself, and she’d finally had enough. My disappointment came from knowing I had failed. I had tried to make it work with her, but life wasn’t like my experiments. Sometimes, it was too difficult to predict the outcome.

  I couldn’t blame her or be angry that it was over. Just…disappointed.

  “I want you to be happy.” I went to touch her arm, but she batted away my hand. I dropped it back at my side.

  “We were happy once.” Glassy eyes held my gaze.

  “Yes.” I nodded, then added, “Once.”

  “Why are you so cold?” Emily wiped at her wet cheeks, smearing her makeup even more, and walked over to the mirror hanging above the piano in the living room. She dabbed at her eyes with a tissue, cleaning both tears and black smudges. “Actually, never mind. I should be used to it by now. Even when I thought we were happy, you were distant. Cold.”

  I wasn’t cold. Not really. I was just detached from most relationships. I didn’t understand them.

  Put me in a lab, and I could tinker around and figure out how anything worked. I could solve even the most advanced chemistry equations, create hypotheses and perform experiments testing them, and explain in vivid detail the function of each element on the Periodic Table and when it was discovered.

  However, when it came to people, I was at a total loss. Couldn’t figure out what made them tick.

  “I’m sorry you’re upset,” I said. “I never wanted you to get hurt, Emily, and that’s the truth.”

  “I believe you.” Her voice shook. “That’s why this is so hard.”

  “It’s hard right now, but it’ll get better with time.” I offered her the closest thing I could manage to a smile, though I was certain it fell short. “You’ll see.”

  “Is it hard for you?” she asked, but from her expression, I suspected she already knew the answer.

  So, I said nothing. Sometimes that was best, saying nothing. Kinder, even.

  Emily sighed and placed a hand on the piano. She lightly ran her fingers along the keys before pressing middle C.

  The note rang out in the quiet house before silence reigned once more. A house full of all the things she loved—the antique curio cabinet that held her prized glass figurines, the decorative plates we weren’t allowed to use, the Victorian-style furniture that was uncomfortable to sit on but nice to look at.

  “I remember the first time you ever played for me,” she whispered, her gaze lingering on the keys. “I fell in love with you that night, you know.” Her eyes lifted to mine. “Men swooped in from all directions at that party, trying to sweet-talk me. They boasted about their achievements and how many degrees they had. And then I saw you. You commanded the room without having to say a word.”

  I had met Emily at a work convention for the university. She was a classics professor, and I was one of chemistry. Two subjects that would never normally meet or have much in common. Years ago, the professors attended summer workshops pertaining to their field, and there were social functions, as well, so everyone could get to know their colleagues. I’d had no interest in attending any of those parties; however, one evening I decided to step out of my comfort zone and go.

  Emily had approached me just as I’d been about to leave. We talked over drinks, and then I sat down at the piano in the corner of the room and played what I remembered of Tchaikovsky’s The Seasons. She’d placed her hand on my shoulder as I played, and I had felt the stirrings of something in my chest.

  I didn’t experience attraction like most other people did. Physical beauty was fleeting. What mattered was how someone made me feel. That night, Emily had made me feel…well, I suppose it’d been the closest I had been to content in many years. Even so, something had still been amiss.

  Being content wasn’t the same as being happy, even if I had tried to make myself believe otherwise.

  “I remember it, as well,” I said, watching her. Her red hair curved around her face, shorter now than it’d been back then. “You were stunning in that green dress.”

  A sad smile touched her lips. “Funny how I don’t remember what I wore, but you do. You never forget. A mind unlike any other.”

  Having a memory like mine was a blessing, but also a curse. There were things I wished I could forget.

  “I love you,” Emily said, stepping away from the piano. “But love isn’t enough, Sebastian. Not when it’s not returned.” She grabbed my hands in hers. “I’ve never known a man as gentle as you. But I can’t do this anymore.”

  “I understand.”

  “That’s another thing.” She let go of me. “You’re also brutally honest. Even now, you can’t say you love me, can you?”

  I stared at her, once again keeping my silence.

  “I’m going to my mother’s for the night,” she said. “We’ll talk more in the morning and figure out how to go about this.”

  Emily turned and walk
ed down the hall toward the bedroom we only technically shared. We hadn’t shared a bed in quite some time. If I didn’t sleep in my study, I slept on the couch.

  Our love life was nonexistent. The first year of our marriage, we’d been sexually intimate, but over time, it had become nearly impossible. She was beautiful, inside and out, but my body had stopped responding to her. No matter how many times I told her that it was me and not her, she believed it was her fault. That she wasn’t good enough. So, I’d begun throwing myself more into my work and making excuses every time she wanted to have sex.

  Eventually, we stopped trying.

  She returned to the living room carrying an overnight bag and one that held her makeup and toiletries.

  “You don’t have to leave,” I said. “I can go to a hotel.”

  “No, I want to go.” She grabbed her purse from the kitchen counter and slung it over her shoulder. “I need distance. I’m sure you can relate to that. Being in this house right now will only remind me of everything I’m giving up.”

  “At least let me carry your bags to the car.”

  After she nodded, I grabbed them and walked with her outside. The warm day was too bright, and I squinted through my glasses as I loaded the bags into the back and closed the hatch.

  “Sebastian.” Emily clutched my shirt as I started to walk away. I stopped and looked down at her. “You are brilliant. So much goes on in that handsome head of yours. Sometimes, I think you’re more comfortable in your mind than you are in the real world. Like you’re not here, even when you’re right beside me. But all those numbers, theories, and equations won’t keep you warm at night.”

  Her words caused an ache in the center of my chest, but I showed no signs of it. She was absolutely correct; I was more comfortable in my mind. At least there, I knew what to expect.

  “Drive safe, Emily.”

  Without another word, I went back into the house and closed the door before leaning against it.

  Four years of marriage, three of them not that successful. And it’d come to an end at last.

  ***

  Two months later, I walked through the front door of my new house. Boxes were everywhere, as I hadn’t had time to unpack it all yet, but it was coming along.

  Neither Emily nor I disputed anything, so the uncontested divorce moved smoothly enough. Emily hadn’t asked for our house, but I gave it to her anyway. A house was just a house to me and could be easily replaced. Plus, I knew how much she loved it—the balcony she enjoyed sitting on in the morning while sipping her hot tea, the living room with the tall ceilings and arches, and the assortment of antiques she’d collected over the years. It all meant something to her.

  All in all, the divorce had been just as I’d anticipated. Fairly painless, but somewhat of a headache. Though our marriage failed, we held no ill will toward each other.

  The biggest challenge was starting over somewhere else.

  Change was necessary, though. If the testing of a hypothesis failed, you started again, tweaking it as you went, until you eventually arrived at a conclusion. I found a house not far from the university in a more secluded area than my previous one. The lack of noise was strange but appreciated.

  I was used to the racket from the busy streets. Constant ambulance and police sirens, cars thumping music, and children screaming and laughing as they played outside. Focusing had been difficult at times.

  Not anymore.

  I went into the kitchen and started a pot of coffee, since I planned on being up working for most of the night. Many of my dishes were still packed, but I had the essentials ready to go: coffee mugs galore.

  My study was the first room I had focused on sorting. The most important room, in my opinion, since it was where I spent most of my time, doing lesson plans for classes and my own research for projects. My work had been published in multiple peer-reviewed journals, though I didn’t do it for the recognition.

  I wanted my work to help people, perhaps to make them see chemistry and physics in a new light.

  The fall semester started in two weeks, and there was much to do in preparation. My course load was light—only two courses—but most of my time would be spent in the lab, furthering my research and helping undergraduate and graduate students on research projects of their own.

  I poured a heaping cup of coffee and went into my study, finding the organization and cleanliness relaxing. An hour or so into my note taking, my phone rang.

  “Dr. Vale,” I answered in my standard greeting.

  “Hi, Sebastian,” Emily said. “I hope you’re settling into your new place.”

  We hadn’t talked in several days, but it wasn’t uncommon for her to call me out of the blue.

  “I am.”

  “Good.” She sounded relieved. “I was worried about you being in the mountains, even more closed off from people.”

  “I’m fine.”

  Silence.

  “Was there something you needed, Emily?” I divided my attention between the papers I was reading and her. There were constantly new developments in the science field, and it was essential for me to keep up with all the findings.

  “I…” Her voice broke. “I just miss you, Sebastian. This house is…I don’t know. Quieter than usual.”

  “The house was quiet with me there, as well,” I pointed out.

  “I know. But at least then I could remind myself you were in the other room.”

  I took off my glasses and rubbed my eyes with one hand while holding the phone with the other. Where I thrived on solitude, Emily allowed it to close in on her. She was the type of person who needed constant companionship, an extrovert in all ways.

  “Perhaps you should look into getting a dog,” I suggested. “Or a cat, since you aren’t fond of messes.” Not to mention having her precious antiques chewed to bits. Then again, a cat would rip her cushions to shreds. “Or a fish.”

  “Maybe.” She breathed into the phone. “Sorry I bothered you. I know you’re working. I just…I guess I needed to hear your voice.”

  Oh, how I wished I could’ve loved her the way she loved me. So much heartache and longing laced in her tone; feelings I wasn’t accustomed to. Perhaps it sounded heartless, but I didn’t miss her. I had never loved her.

  The breathlessness of falling in love was foreign to me. Love wasn’t logical, and it was difficult to process the mindset of someone overcome with the emotion. At the thought, I looked at the small, antique clock on my desk. My heart beat faster.

  Stop. Don’t think about it.

  About him.

  “You’re an incredible woman, Emily. It’s unfortunate our marriage didn’t go as planned, but I hope you know I wish you the best in life. I want you to find the love you deserve.”

  “Thank you,” she said before sniffling. “And I hope you do, too. No one needs to be alone forever.”

  Once off the phone, I got back to work, refusing to let myself be distracted. Hours passed, and my lids grew heavy as I read over my lecture notes. It was after midnight. Time had a way of getting away from me sometimes. I could open a book or start a project in the evening and not look up until the next morning.

  Standing from my desk chair, I stretched and groaned as my joints popped.

  My bed was calling my name.

  After changing and brushing my teeth, I slid under the cool covers. The house was quiet. Empty. I turned over in bed, trying to get comfortable, but my restlessness had nothing to do with my new mattress. A barge’s horn sounded in the distance, followed by a night wind moving the branches in the tree outside my window.

  Change. It took some getting used to.

  Chapter 2

  Cody

  Getting out of bed was hard every morning, but even more so when there was a naked body wrapped around mine. Well, more specifically a warm mouth around my dick.

  The guy hummed as he slid my tip between his wet lips and stroked my base. Ripples of pleasure moved up my shaft, and as he started flicking his tongue, the rip
ples became waves. He was a damn expert at sucking cock.

  “Fuck, I’m close—” I cut off in a low moan.

  He gently tugged on my balls as he picked up pace with the bobbing of his head. Another long hum and an enticing stroke of his tongue. In and out of his wet heat. Seconds later, I was shooting my load into his eager mouth. And he fucking swallowed every drop.

  Impressive.

  Random hookups weren’t common for me, but I indulged every now and then. I had met the guy at a bar last night, and I was pretty sure his name was Joe. Maybe. Joe had spent the night in my dorm room, and before he left that morning, he said he wanted to give me something to remember him by.

  “If you ever want to meet up again, let me know,” Joe said, wiping his mouth.

  “Will do.” I stretched my arms and yawned, my once tense muscles now relaxed. I could’ve easily gone back to sleep. Not wanting to be an asshole, though, I looked at him. “You want me to repay the favor?”

  “Nah. I need to get home. Maybe next time.” He got off the bed and found his clothes. “I’ll give you my number before I head out. But call when you want to meet up again. Don’t text.”

  Strange request, but whatever. Dude was probably married or something. In a hurry or not, guys didn’t pass on a blowjob.

  Joe didn’t bother with a goodbye kiss. He plugged his number into my phone, put on his clothes, and left within minutes. Easy. No strings attached.

  As much as I would’ve liked to find a man to settle down with, occasional one-night-stands would have to do for now. Not that I hadn’t met some nice guys, but I tended to lose interest in them after a few hangouts. I got bored and made excuses not to see them again.

  It was better to keep things strictly physical…but even then, I’d lose interest after a while.

  Eventually, I got my lazy ass out of bed and showered. Classes started the next day, and I had things I wanted to do before then. I already had the semester’s textbooks from the campus bookstore, but I needed to get a few supplies like notebooks and pens—since I always seemed to lose every pen I owned.